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Category Archives: Humor

Your Shop is Next

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Osama’s Afterlife: Careful What You Wish For

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Found this Steve Martin piece in The New Yorker, courtesy of Steve via Twitter:

72 Virgins

Virgin No. 1: Yuck.

Virgin No. 2: Ick.

Virgin No. 3: Ew.

Virgin No. 4: Ow.

Virgin No. 5: Do you like cats? I have fourteen!

Virgin No. 6: I’m Becky. I’ll be legal in two years.

Virgin No. 7: Here, I’ll just pull down your zipper. Oh, sorry!

Virgin No. 8: Can we cuddle first?

Virgin No. 9: It was a garlic-and-onion pizza. Why?

Virgin No. 10: . . . so I see Heath, and he goes, “Like, what are you doing here?,” and I go, “I’m hangin’ out,” so he goes, “Like, what?” . . .

Virgin No. 11: First you’re going to have to show me an up-to-date health certificate.

Virgin No. 12: Hurry! My parents are due home!

Virgin No. 13: Do you want the regular or the special?

Virgin No. 14: I’m eighty-four. So what?

Read the rest of this entry

-6 Degrees Outside: Norwegian Weather Calls for Norwegian Jokes

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Ole met his long-lost friend, Torvald, on the street in downtown Fargo.  “How ya doin’ Ole?” asked Torvald.  “Vell, Lena run off vit da preacher.  Little Ole is hooked on drugs.  Little Lena done got shacked up vit a biker.  And I’m on my vay to da courthouse ’cause of all da people suin’ me.”  Torvald offered his condolences then asked Ole what kind of work he was doing.  “Ah, same ol’ same ol,” replied Ole.  “Still sellin’ dem good luck charms.”

 

Lars strolled into the Grand Hotel in Olso and asked for a room.  The clerk told him they were sold out.  “So let me get this straight,”  said Lars, “if King Olav came in, would you have a room for him?”  The clerk stood up straight and with a condescending tone he sniffed, “Why, of course we would have a room ready for the king.”

“Vell, he ain’t comin’,” said Lars.  “So gimmee his room.”

Sven asked Ole, “So howz yer brother-in-law’s new salesman yob goin?”  “Vell, he’s already got two orders,” replied Ole.  “Get out….and stay out.”

A highway patrolman stopped Ole and told him that his wife, Lena, had fallen out of the car some 3 miles back.  “Thank goodness,” Ole said, “for a while dere I thought I vas goin’ deaf!”

He Shan’t Return

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Religion Matters

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Stephen Prothero was on the Colbert Report to promote his book, “God is Not One,” and spoke to why the world’s 8 dominant religions are all important to the life of the world.

Personally, this perspective is  a breath of fresh air after recently getting another figurative earful of a bunch of  blogosphere/Facebook anti-religion rants that did little more than offer the same old set of nails scratching the same old chalkboard.  I’ve decided to leave all these well-intentioned folks to their own crutches, since just about everyone I know winds up limping down life’s road in one way or another.  And I suppose it’s a matter of finding where I fall on the spectrum between creeds and screeds, which seems to be much closer to the former than to the latter.

h/t HuffPo

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Top-Secret BP Memo: Use Man-of-Steel Strategy

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Recently leaked British Petroleum documents detail the company’s debate on the most effective responses to a catastrophic incident,  such as the offshore spill in the Gulf of Mexico.  Scenarios detailing massive response with worldwide resources were ultimately shelved in favor of one BP crisis containment strategist’s proposed method, which was ultimately chosen as the most cost-effective and efficient solution to a global catastrophe:  let Superman handle it.

Here are excerpts from the memo:

“While our potential response capacity is formidable, it unquestionably pales in comparison to the abilities of Superman.  His keen senses allow him to respond almost instantaneously to any crisis, ranging from earthquakes to hostile alien invasions.  He has even proven capable of resolving the most impossible, nightmarish situations by using his ability of supersonic flight to travel back in time before those situations occur and to thus resolve them before they happen.”

“Let us say that one of our offshore oil rigs was to fail significantly.  The potential result of millions upon millions of gallons of  unrefined product being emitted into an ocean, gulf, or bay would border on the cataclysmic.  The most expedient solution would no doubt involve Superman going to the ocean floor, bending closed any open pipe, and then welding it shut with his super heat vision.  He could then suck up the spilled oil, and upon direction, fill a container or containers at our nearest refinery.”

“Additionally, there is a significant cost-containment factor in the Superman Option.  Superman historically has never submitted any sort of bill for his services and has never to our knowledge even required a per diem or expense reimbursement.  He has always rendered service free-of-charge in some understanding that others have described as ‘the common human good.’  While we are relatively unfamiliar with such a concept, it nevertheless appears to be a concept offering the Company a great economic upside as applied by The Man of Steel. ”

“Implementation of this option also provides the Company significant, front-end cost savings in the maintenance of equipment.  Given Superman’s traditional, rapid-response to any emergency or crisis, it would appear that any damage or loss of human life would be made minimal.  Thus our advice is to re-direct financial resources currently allocated in areas of prevention and safety and to re-allocate said resources in areas of executive employee compensation.”

The memo continued to explore the Superman Option, including contingencies to be taken if he were “out of pocket” at the Fortress of Solitude, or guiding nuclear missiles to a harmless explosion out in deep space.   It also lifted up a unique scenario in which BP would set aside it’s mistrust and disregard for the working press to seek out and employ a particular female journalist who appears to be able to summon Superman at a moment’s notice.

Youd Better Lern Our Language

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From this great Flickr site dedicated to the collection of “Teabonics”

ht: Bob Cesca via Shannyn Moore