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Top-Secret BP Memo: Use Man-of-Steel Strategy

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Recently leaked British Petroleum documents detail the company’s debate on the most effective responses to a catastrophic incident,  such as the offshore spill in the Gulf of Mexico.  Scenarios detailing massive response with worldwide resources were ultimately shelved in favor of one BP crisis containment strategist’s proposed method, which was ultimately chosen as the most cost-effective and efficient solution to a global catastrophe:  let Superman handle it.

Here are excerpts from the memo:

“While our potential response capacity is formidable, it unquestionably pales in comparison to the abilities of Superman.  His keen senses allow him to respond almost instantaneously to any crisis, ranging from earthquakes to hostile alien invasions.  He has even proven capable of resolving the most impossible, nightmarish situations by using his ability of supersonic flight to travel back in time before those situations occur and to thus resolve them before they happen.”

“Let us say that one of our offshore oil rigs was to fail significantly.  The potential result of millions upon millions of gallons of  unrefined product being emitted into an ocean, gulf, or bay would border on the cataclysmic.  The most expedient solution would no doubt involve Superman going to the ocean floor, bending closed any open pipe, and then welding it shut with his super heat vision.  He could then suck up the spilled oil, and upon direction, fill a container or containers at our nearest refinery.”

“Additionally, there is a significant cost-containment factor in the Superman Option.  Superman historically has never submitted any sort of bill for his services and has never to our knowledge even required a per diem or expense reimbursement.  He has always rendered service free-of-charge in some understanding that others have described as ‘the common human good.’  While we are relatively unfamiliar with such a concept, it nevertheless appears to be a concept offering the Company a great economic upside as applied by The Man of Steel. ”

“Implementation of this option also provides the Company significant, front-end cost savings in the maintenance of equipment.  Given Superman’s traditional, rapid-response to any emergency or crisis, it would appear that any damage or loss of human life would be made minimal.  Thus our advice is to re-direct financial resources currently allocated in areas of prevention and safety and to re-allocate said resources in areas of executive employee compensation.”

The memo continued to explore the Superman Option, including contingencies to be taken if he were “out of pocket” at the Fortress of Solitude, or guiding nuclear missiles to a harmless explosion out in deep space.   It also lifted up a unique scenario in which BP would set aside it’s mistrust and disregard for the working press to seek out and employ a particular female journalist who appears to be able to summon Superman at a moment’s notice.

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